Mama night

I got dressed to day at 3pm. And showered finally, after 2 smelly days! Yikes! Oh well, being a mum is hardly glamourous! And I’m usually covered in sick anyway. That being said I discovered today one, very important truth:

Taking a shower makes you feel human again. Yup!

Right, it’s after 1am, I am off to the kitchen to make myself a night time snack – a sandwich with pork lard and maybe some cheese. Basically fat. Yum! goodbye pre pregnancy body goals! That being said, we all know that fat doesn’t make you fat, so

Hello pre pregnancy body goals!

F*!k, being a mum is a long, noisy and stinky guilt trip!

I have a baby. A 2 months old little baby. He’s amazing and i love him more than life! I would kill for him, basically ūüôā

I love being a mum – I think I found my vocation – a professional baby maker! Everything about being a mum, including getting up every 2hrs every night – I actually look forward to the nightly feeds!

Before you consider me a freak of nature, hear my pain – I just panicked about my child’s head, worrying he has a flat head syndrome. At his 6 week check, which took place when he was 8 weeks old (I know, confusing), i asked the doctor about his head – not that I noticed anything, this was more just to check and he said I had nothing to worry about. But for some reason the worry just came back and I wisely just spend the last 2 hours reading up on the flat head syndrome, before I even checked if there is anything to worry about (ie. I haven’t examined my son’s head yet!!!).But that hasn’t stopped me from stocking up on some juicy guilt. And i am doing all this research instead of sleeping – very clever, especially since we have guests coming tomorrow to stay with us all day.

One¬†of the things I read was tummy time – you’re meant to spend a certain amount of time with the baby lying on it’s tummy on the floor.I never do it, assuming tummy time is just as good when the little man sits in a baby carrier or just in my arms when i carry him around the house. He can lift his head pretty well for a 2 months old so I haven’t worried, but now I am. Some hopefully ridiculous thoughts like What if my child never crawls? Did people get so panicky about tummy time 30 years ago?? I hate (love) the internet. I can’t completely hate it – i mean it does consume half of my life, but…

 

oh wait! I have an idea!!! A challenge -I shall remove internet from my life for one week. No ebay (tears), no google (panick attack), no emails (what?!), nothing. Ok i will keep WhatsApp – otherwise my friends will assume I ignore them! OK, I will start on Monday – exciting times! MAybe i can cure myself from the screen addiction. That woujld be wonderful.

Ok, back to the guilt. Apart from the tummy time, websites mention not using baby bouncing chairs too much, not putting the child down too much, not using the car seat too much. This immediately made me panic because i like to spend time placing my baby on my legs, facing me so we have a bit of a chat. That puts pressure on his back of the head. I thought¬†I carry him around a lot, but I am not sure anymore. It’s like my memory has suddenly decided to say “sod you, I’m off” and I can’t recall how much time my baby spends (vaguely) lying down and somehow putting pressure on its head. I have no idea! Suddenly it seems to me¬†that he spends all his time lying on his back, or side… Is he? I mean my biceps are growing (yass!) from carrying him around, but am I carrying him in a good position? And am I doing it enough? I am seriously freaked out and am now just waiting for him to wake up so I can examine his head. I think I noticed some flatness at the back – I will have to book an appointment at the surgery to get him checked over. Somebody smack my head so I can sleep tonight! (at least for the next 25 mins, before the little man wakes up. Damn, I have this washing I brought upstairs i need to put in the airing cupboard. Can someone buy me a tumble dryer please? Or send some hot sunny weather? Either would be fine, thanks!)

F*!k you internet! I am going to sleep! (ok, who am I kidding? I will hang the washing, stare at my child for a minute or 10, browse the interwebbinet, probably waste some time on youtube and not go to sleep until I have thoroughly checked my son’s head shape. I don’t know how yet, as I am sure I would ideally have someone holding him so I can make my observations, but a mother on her own at night with a head full of screaming voices (I’m not schizophrenic, it’s just standard ADHD head noise multiplied by 100000000000000000000 with the help of motherly love and guilt) will come up with a solution.

 

 

I hate internet.

(20 mins later)

Oh my God I just read up more! Right, that’s it. Over and out!

 

 

 

How the way you tackle bullying affects the rest of your life.

When I was 7 I got bullied for the first time.¬†Kids from my year ganged up in front of the toilet cubicle, where I was desperately¬†trying to do my last night’s homework before the lesson started. They repeatedly kicked the door, shouted and told me they were going to tell on me to the teacher, and they were laughing. I was so mortified that the teacher could find out and completely broken by the amount of hatred from so many kids, which I didn’t understand the source of. Now I know their reaction was caused by the fact I was the best student in the class and for them them it was pleasant to see me making my first mistake. What a nice bunch!

I never told my mum about this one episode, because I was too embarrassed to admit I forgot to do my homework, but there were plenty more times of bullying I could report. As I got bullied, my mum always told me to be “wiser” and if I get slapped on one cheek, I should expose my other cheek to them. Yeah, like that would teach them (or as I like to say “that would learn them”). My mum explained that children who did those things often had very unhappy lives/ there was something going on at home etc, which meant I was supposed to feel sorry for them, try to be understanding… and get slapped.

Seriously? What is the logic behind this?

If you let a kid or a group of kids slap you about, the only thing they will learn is that you are an easy target. And your intuition, and your defence mechanisms get seriously messed up.

Let’s think about the long term consequences.

You become so emphatic and so understanding (read: arrogant*), that you end up in abusive relationships with friends, partners, colleagues, always looking for excuses for them, being the wiser person and hoping to bring some happiness in their lives.¬†I know, this is very simplified, but you can see what I’m trying to say.

When I was at uni I met this guy called Allan. There was something about him i found repulsive (strong word, but my intuition was screaming and kicking to my ear – I shushed it).¬†I was never 100% comfortable in his presence, but I thought I’d give him benefit of the doubt, since I believed it;s important to¬†assume the best in people and believe some of their actions were caused by lack of goodness in their lives, horrendous upbringing or some unfortunate events, but they deserved to be liked. Needless to say, 1.5 years into our “friendship” and he ended up smashing my room up while I was sitting in it, eyes wide open, paralysed from fear. It transpired he had a crush on me and apparently I lead him on (there was never a minute I didn’t have a boyfriend in that time, I never so much as hugged Allan – go back up to the bit about being repulsive, and I found him utterly unattractive + I was very sensitive about not flirting with friends, so chances are it was all happening in his head). Luckily my housemates pinned him down to the floor and kicked him out of the house (we all lived together so we had the locks changed the next day). As we were in the process of moving him out, we found out in the past he broke some guy’s leg and arm, as he “lost it”. And he only stopped at that because Police took him in. My intuition I ignored so eagerly¬†and replaced with all the wisdom from the time of bullying was trying to save me. Talking about a lesson learned.

A short story – my brother went out with a girl brought up in an abusive environment, because he felt sorry for her and wanted to help her start a better life. They planned her escape abroad with him, he provided for her for almost a year just to be treated like dirt, always unappreciated and in the end also abused. A shocking lesson. He still worried about breaking up with her, as he felt she was¬†vulnerable, even though she turned out to be a cruel and cold manipulator. For every outburst she had, he found 10 excuses why she’s acting like this and sometimes felt guilty.¬†

Sounds familiar? Do you have friends in similarly destructive relationships?

But all they are doing is adhering to what they were taught as children – be kind to those who are nasty to you. A twisted logic. Sounds ridiculous when you are an adult, why is it OK to teach this to children?

So we are getting to the final point: teaching our children to recognise nasty behaviour and equipping them with tools to protect themselves from those who dish nasty comments, push them over, steal their lunch, gang up on them etc. will allow them to learn these useful survival skills for the future. So when they go out with someone who treats them badly, they know they need to move on. When they are bullied by a boss Рthey solve the problem or move on. They will take action, instead of assuming someone has a reason to behave such way, taking the blame on themselves and taking the doubtfully positive position of a martyr.

I don’t hold any grudges against my mother, as I know she wanted the best for me. But I think it’s naive to think all children are innocent. Children can be cruel and they need to learn certain actions will cause certain reactions, and we need to make sure our children react in the best, self-protective way. There is a big bad world out there and having some good self defence moves can only do us good.

OK, rant over, It was triggered by the fact my niece is being bullied at school and she is currently being told by the teacher to be kind to the other girl who is hurting her, because she might be having family problems. What a great start!

*arrogant – If you’ve ever watched a great movie with Nicole Kidman, called Dogville, you will know what I mean. Otherwise: Assuming that other people shouldn’t be punished for their mistakes, because it’s not their fault/ they don’t understand they are doing wrong/ they don’t know the difference is frankly arrogant. Being too merciful is arrogant – what makes you so special and wise to make it OK that you suffer for others mistakes, not letting them be accountable for their actions? Do you think you have such big brain you can comprehend everything, but all those people who are hurting you have only small, tiny brains and they are too thick to understand? Are you playing “Jesus”? (you get the jist).

 

 

 

How to kill boredom

I am feeling extremely bored. It’s been going on for at least last 2.5 minutes so I am absolutely desperate to find something to do. Suggestions based on experience:

Quick solutions:

  • start a light argument with your boyfriend/husband/friend/housemate -it will liven you up and stimulate your brain. It might leave the other person a little puzzled about the reason of the dispute, but it could be quite refreshing.
  • mildly bug¬†your dog/rabbit/hamster/tarantula. Harmless and again, endless source of stimulation. You can tease them with a carrot, cover them with a blanket and run away, make funny noises at them, noisily sniff their fur or even paint their “toe nails” (my dog loves it). Keeps them guessing and you temporarily amused.
  • wash your hair – works great as an excuse when you want to be alone too “Hey, wanna go out on Thu night?” “Sorry, can’t. I’m washing my hair”. Can’t go wrong.
  • Eat a toast with butter, peanut butter and marmalade. Great way to put on more weight, too.

Long term boredom killers -tried and tested:

  • take a really really long bath – take your book/kindle, your phone and bring a movie with you too. Oh and don’t forget to make a nice cuppa or grab a glass of wine. Endless entertainment + relaxing bubbles – can’t ask for more. My record – 5h 25min. I watched a movie and a few¬†lectures, read book and shopped for some very useful bits. My skin looked like I suddenly aged by 50 years, but I didn’t need to use moisturiser for a month. Win -win!
  • pluck your leg hair with tweezers – you will be shocked how many hairs actually grow on your legs! Very time consuming, takes weeks and by the time you’ve done your legs, the hair will have grown back, so you can never run out of the fun. My record – half and evening and a whole night. I don’t recommend such a long sitting -you end up talking to yourself quite loudly, waking up the household, and when it’s time to get up you suddenly realised your spine shape has changed and you are destined to spend the rest of the day looking like a tired zombie chimpanzee. Awesome!
  • go to sleep – I know – shocking! You will be amazed how you can go to bed at 4m and oversleep for work the next day – it’s quite mesmerising. If you struggle to sleep at best of times (and you’re a woman) get pregnant – the first three months are guaranteed you will sleep for as long as your head is on a pillow. You can kill good 12 hours of boredom in one go!

and since we’re on the topic of pregnancies:

  • make yourself a baby – I hear you never get bored again so seems like a pretty permanent, good value.

There it is – cheap and simple life solutions (not the last point – I hear offsprings cost money) – you will never be bored again!

How Einstein helped me love my ADHD mind.

And why I came off my meds. Forever.

Living with ADHD is best described as living on a rollercoaster – an ever growing and shape shifting rollercoaster. I can’t begin to say how exhausting it is to live in my head, but I would never swap with anyone else. Not because I am scared of the unknown (i love¬†surprises! And unknown – bring it on!), but because I am afraid there might be order and peace¬†in a non ADHD head.

I had a taste of a normal-ish brain when on medication – I was focused, calm, collected and… generally not interested or excited about too much happening around me. I suddenly had a chance to view the world through the eyes of a non- hectic, compulsive, impulsive, excitable, hyperactive, inattentive and distracted person… And it was pretty bland. Bland in comparison to the constant explosion of emotions and ideas, silly thoughts, chaos and appreciation of the smallest things, always, i knew until then.

Exhausting, but fun!

I did enjoy the sensation for a while, because it was new. But i started to notice something was wrong (apart from the horrendous side effects of course!) In fact I run a little test once: I woke up in the morning and before taking my medication, I sat with my friend and started brainstorming. Tons of¬†creative thinking and ideas – we had a great time together. Then I popped a¬†pill of my beautiful Ritalin and continued with the brainstorming. Within half an hour everything changed. I¬†went from enthusiastic, excited and full of new thoughts, to just… blank, I guess. It wasn’t that we run out of things to discuss, as we kept diverting from one topic to another. It’s just I lost the ideas.

I lost all my creativity.

All if it. Just gone.

This was a moment for me when I realised how being on the medication wasn’t going to be sustainable for me. I had far too much fun being myself (when I wasn’t messing up my life, by forgetting to turn up to important events at uni, eat, sleep, wash clothes, pay bills – I have direct debit for everything now- you know: the very basics, nevermind social aspects of life – I was fortunate to be surrounded by true friends who accepted me for all my 1000 and 1 of faults and just reminded me about everything forever).

Anyway the thing is – I knew I couldn’t be myself when on my medication. I liked that I could focus and function when I was on it; it was addictive in some ways, too. But I didn’t feel like myself, and it was as if all the quirks about me were gone, all the excitement about a little ladybird or jumping spiders just went away. I lost the happiness. But I was left with a chance of actually finishing my degree, getting a decent job and starting an actual life.

Conundrum.

I decided to stop taking my medication when I got to the point in my life when I felt so strong and confident I could in fact¬†work out my own systems to function. One of the reasons to stop was because I would also forget to take my meds at weekends, which would result in massive anxiety attacks. I realised all too late they were the results of abrupt breaks from meds (I was on Dexamphetamines at the time). Now thinking back I realise that I only felt confident about me dealing with ADHD without the meds, because the meds in fact helped me gain structure in my life and true focus. It hasn’t crossed my mind it would all collapse if I stopped.

So I stopped – on my own accord.

Kicked out of my clinic (I moved to another county, my previous Psychiatrist stopped seeing outpatients by the time I tried to get back in touch again, so I had no way back in Рtrust me I tried!), I was left to my device and suddenly realised I was lost.

I still don’t¬†understand what people expect from me, I get bored easily, I question everything I’m asked to do and sometimes make a decision not to do it without even raising the question, I need to constantly move or talk. It didn’t help that I moved from a physically active job to an office one – a coordinator! That brings another topic on my mind – next post about work!

I realised that no amount of exercise and lifestyle changes on their own could keep me sane in everyday life. So i got into obsessive diets again, detoxes, training for half-marathons, not sleeping, finding new hobbies Рit never stops! But all this misery pushed me to go towards nutrition courses and new hope. Why?

Because I believe that body is a self correcting system and can fix with some help from nature. Not white pills.

I decided that instead of trying to make myself fit in the system, I would create an environment to live in where I could be myself and happy. With the right job, exercise and nutrition to keep me sane, keep my brain ticking and healthy, and also help me be the best person I can be. I decided I no longer want to be that fish trying to climb trees. So I am building a pond, only a little one for now, in my spare time, but I can already smell the big ocean (I know- fresh water to salty, but hey Рwe adapt!).

So I guess the biggest thing is to accept that we are not all cats. There are many species of humans, but we seem to be all obsessed with climbing trees! Quit the tree and find you correct habitat! Otherwise you will feel inadequate and quite frankly just a it stupid. All your life.

So where is Einstein in this post, you ask? it’s here! I don’t know about you, but I’m a fish! Cheers Einstein – I feel like there is hope for all of us!

Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish on its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing its stupid. Einstein
Einstein’s wisdom – thank you – you made me feel like I can be worth something.